Why waterslides have me considering therapy…

At least it could of taken me to dinner first...

I don’t get to go to the waterslides or water parks much. I’ve been to one, when I was like, 10. Mainly because it takes so freaking long to wash my hair after I’m done (a post on THAT lovely topic in the future). So, since I planned to wash my hair that weekend, I eagerly accepted an invitation to the Birch Bay Waterslides on Saturday.

Let me also state I can hardly swim (not that that is required to be able to when visiting waterslides), but I kind of panic when submerged underwater.

We get to there around 3ish and I regret the two piece I’m wearing, but soldier through.  It’s cloudy and a little rainy so there are only a few groups. My first ride through, I was screaming all the way down, then panicking that I wouldn’t drown or need assistance from a lifeguard when I hit the bottom. I did not drown or need assistance, but I must look funny when I exit the slide, because Aaron, Chris and Trent laughed at me every. single. time.

So we ride those a few times and then head over to the river rafting ride. PROTIP: Try to raise your butt up a little before each section. I’m sure it’s part of the reason my butt cheeks are sore, they kept slamming into the sections. It’s like being spanked with a sledgehammer…or some wide heavy object.

At the far end of the park they’ve got two dark slides a completely dark twist slide and the other that just drops straight down, called the Hydro-cliff Drop Slide. The twist slide was fun, but it took major convincing to get me to go on the Big Drop, but I did it. Man I wish I hadn’t.

Chris and I went up about five or six flights of stairs to get to the top and there is just one lonely guy up there. I told Chris the damn ride was desolate for a reason. After Chris went I sat down on the slide and though the lifeguard told me to keep my arms and legs crossed, it was easier said than done, but I should of tried harder.

That “ride” is seriously seconds long, but I had time to think I was dying (you get a little air at the start), scream, pinch my nose and cross and uncross my legs several times (while mentally telling myself to do so). Chris mentioned that I definitely didn’t follow instructions on having my legs crossed. Let me tell you why it’s a good reason to do so. Because you will feel absolutely violated after that slide. Chris had to help me out and I immediately (after tugging my bottoms out of my ass) and sat on the ground hugging my knees laughing and crying. The water was so violently forced up my butt I felt like was raped, or as my mom told me “had a return to the prison yard”. The only feeble comment I could make about the ride was, “Wow, Chris I just got raped by WATER.”

Later, a tiny slide almost removed my bottoms. My feeble attempt at doing a cool spin trick left me at the bottom of the pool trying pull half of my swimsuit back over to the other side. Let’s just say after it’s all said and done, I have strong feelings about what happens around my poor little rear end.

After further discussion, the running price for me to get on that drop slide again is about $60.

Which should cover the therapy I might be seeking…


7 responses to “Why waterslides have me considering therapy…

  1. heee, I’m gonna be laughing for days.

  2. LMAO. i am going to tell robert…

  3. ps. you are black, attempt that again and you are OUT.

    pps. this thing denied me from posting again.

  4. Lauren, that was hilarious! How awful to be anally penetrated against your will by a water slide! I was laughing so much I had to stop reading, go to the kitchen to recover, then come back and finish your blog. Amazing. I totally understand why you had never been to a water park before, I’m just amazed that you actually went. COMEDY!
    PS Shannon should know better that you’re not black, I am!

  5. Well, I enjoyed the water park and would totally go back, but never again on that slide…never again.

  6. It’s only uncomfortable and scary the first time. You’ll get used to the penetration.

  7. i’m sorry… hell she’s white, Maggie is black.

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