Animals I Hate : Entry #1 Coconut Crab


Dude. That trash can? It's all yours.

Dude. That trash can? It's yours.

One day I ran across pictures of really creepy lobster/rolly polly like things attacking a bag of Fritos. I shared it with my boss Nicole and suddenly began to describe my ultimate hate of deep sea animals, a hate I didn’t realize I had until that day. She suggested I start a blog about animals I hate and I thought it was a good idea, but I wasn’t sure. Maybe someone else had one already? Nope. No one. Still didn’t make one, but after seeing this awful creature, I can assuredly say…I hate it with every fiber of my being and I will begin posting animals I hate on my blog.

I provide no facts or insights about this animal (innocently called the coconut crab), but I know it scares the ever loving shit out of me. If you’re brave enough to read up about it you can go here.

Excuse me? Can I borrow some toilet paper?

Excuse me? Can I borrow some toilet paper?

Imagine this scenario. You’re in Guam and you’re on the beach and you have to go to the bathroom. And since most bathrooms I’ve seen in parks and beaches have no doors, there’s nothing to keep things from getting in. So you’re sitting in your stall and the next thing you know on of these creatures comes crawling right under. Can you imagine it going for your ankle?!? This thing breaks coconuts as a lifestyle. It’s the very thing nightmares are made of. And pets. Yes, people have these things as pets.

Would you like to take a nap under the shade?

Would you like to take a nap under the shade?

Or say you’d like to take nice nap under the cool shade of a coconut tree…the wrong coconut tree. Bam! Next thing you know you have a crab attached to your face. (Or for some of them, the entire upper half of your body.) I hope they never develop a taste for human flesh, or we’re screwed.

I wouldn’t even want to eat one of those things (even if I could, allergies and all). All I can imagine is a reanimated claw wrapping itself around my throat. I’ll irrational fear I read at the Best Week Ever blog: “Sure, they taste delicious…but they also seriously look like gigantic cockroaches with huge murder hands. — Michelle Collins, On Lobsters”

I’d say these things look like giant spiders with armor and huge murder hands.

And for the sake of your sanity DON’T look up Japanese spider crabs.


8 responses to “Animals I Hate : Entry #1 Coconut Crab

  1. mmmm. The spider crab made me hungry. I could make a meal out of just one leg. mmmm

  2. Remember if you get pinched, just titillate the crab on it’s soft parts. That’ll loosen it’s grip on ya.

    I wish we found these crabs on the secret beach instead of the little guys.

  3. You are all crazy, this thing was born from hell.

    Cari, raccoons are just like cats with thumbs, and so very cute. Except when rabid, all animals are scary when rabid.

  4. What about a rabid, cute crab, with thumbs, in the toilet, with a craving for human genitalia?

    Some of us have coconut sized genitalia.


  5. That thing is so scary. When I opened your blog and saw that THING it actually sent chills up and down my body and I had to get up and walk away. It was terrible reading your blog with those murder hands in plain view. I hate them as well. Even though I am an Advanced Certified SCUBA diver, I hate hate hate sea creatures–especially big ones. I can not even fathom a crab as big as that garbage can… I almost thought it was a doctored picture.
    PS That comment my boss made was supposed to be mean. She’s evil!

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  7. Pingback: Animals I Hate Entry #2: Bird Eating SPIDERS « It’s Not The Amount, But How You Use Them

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